Punta Franca, Pedasí, Panamá
So I’m writing a non-fiction book on spirituality that I have decided to self-publish. I just want to write it and get it out in the world and let it reach who it will through karma and destiny. I’m not planning on doing a whole promotion and marketing strategy like I did with my first self-published book (a novel), and neither do I want to pursue traditional publishing because frankly, I don’t think it’s the right approach to this book. I just want to see it grow and set it free, regardless of whether it makes any money or not. Money, when it comes to this book, is the last thing on my mind.
It turns out, however, that setting this book free is harder than I thought it would be. The book is inside me, I know it is. It’s pulsating and gestating and waiting for the proper time to get out… but I’m having trouble with it. I wrote the introduction in one sitting, and that was good. I knew exactly what I wanted to say and how to say it, and knew how to broach the subject almost without thinking about it too much, feeling it come out of me intuitively.
The second chapter… not so much. To be specific, I’ve been sitting on it for the past month and a half, unable to face the screen to get those words out. The chapter is titled On Meditation.
I’ve been a meditator for close to 5 years now. An inconstant one, but a meditator nonetheless. There have been periods in my life where I meditated for two hours every day, not all in one sitting but spaced throughout the day. I’ve had breakthroughs, I’ve had experiences during my meditations. I’ve felt the underlying peace of the higher self during these moments… if only for a second. I’m familiar with the subject.
But the truth is, I haven’t been meditating all that much for the past year or so. And I think this has everything to do with my block when it comes to writing on this subject. I have a-lot of knowledge I could write about, a-lot of theory on meditation and how it works and several different practices that people can apply to their lives. But I want this chapter to be more than that.
I want the chapter not to just be a set of instructions, but a living breathing testament of the power of meditation in my own life, and the power it can have on the lives of every individual. And for that to happen, I need to get into it again, really get into it thoroughly and genuinely.
I’m coming back to it slowly and learning to love meditation again. I’m meditating every morning each day more consistently, and I have even meditated some days during the nights and after lunch. I’m working my way back into the practice… but I still don’t feel ready to write about it. Perhaps I should just sit down and write whatever I think, know and feel about meditation in a stream-of-consciousness exercise (sort of what I’m doing right now). Maybe that’s the way to go, maybe that will help me to unblock this subject. I don’t know.
I had kind of a rough experience with a group of “spiritual” people last year and I’m slowly recovering from it (hint: they weren’t really spiritual, they just liked to talk a-lot about stuff that they were convinced they understood). It made me want to surround myself with people that were the opposite of them, people that didn’t really care a-lot about these subjects and cared more about living, working, socializing, etc. What some would call “normal” people (although nobody is normal. What’s normal, anyways?)
And it helped. It grounded me, and in reality these people had a-lot less issues, and some of them were even more morally and spiritually advanced (though they don’t think about it) than others who are focused on gathering spiritual knowledge every day.
But soon enough I learned that I personally do need direct contact with the spiritual world. I cannot just live to work, even though I love my work. I cannot live to build relationships, even though I am so grateful for the friends and family I have in my life. I need something more. And so now that I have regained my distance from toxicity, and grounded myself through the noble perspective of the earthy, I am slowly returning to my roots.
And the chapter is still there, lingering inside my mind. Waiting. Waiting for my return. And I shall be there. I shall be there soon… The way is open to anyone whose will is sincere.