I’ve had this same problem since I started working, no matter where or when. At the risk of sounding inmodest, I’m going to say that I consider myself a talented individual. I can probably thrive and excel at most things if I put my mind into it and back it up with effort.
Because of that, every time I started at a new job I did well in the beginning, and then something would happen that would discourage me, it didn’t matter what, it just discouraged me. After that I would fall back into this depressing apathy and inaction that affected my work. Because in reality I wasn’t really all that happy working at whatever it was I was working on, I just wanted to conquer the challenge. I came to realize that the reason for this sudden decrease in motivation was because my heart wasn’t truly in the work, even though I was talented at it.
Since I was little, whenever somebody would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I said writer. Or painter (I used to paint a-lot when I was younger). My parents, like all parents do, tried to discourage me from this, telling me that painting is a penniless profession. The writing they never took seriously enought to even acknowledge (I remember all of this, it’s funny which memories stick with you).
And so I grew up, and towards the end of high school I met a man who was a lawyer who became my boyfriend (and later my husband), so when I graduated, I decided what the heck. I’ll study Law. I certainly have the brains for it. And my parents applauded my decision. The Law is a very interesting field of study, it’s mentally challenging and also very rigorous. I excelled academically, but when I started practicing I became disenchanted by the profession. I also became somewhat overwhelmed by the demands of it. To be a good lawyer you have to put in the hours. Also, it’s a profession where you’re surrounded by other people’s problems and you’re constantly trying to fix them. I’m not saying this is a bad thing, but it can be overwhelming.
And then you have the whole ambitious side of it, like the desire to become a partner in the firm and even name partner down the road, and it can just become so exhausting after a while. And demotivating.
When I feel that way, I inevitably think back to that girl I used to be, the girl who always had a journal at hand, who wrote short stories and poetry and drew and painted and wanted nothing more than to make art… and I realize that’s who I really am. Because even though I have the brains for Law, and even the capacity for it, it’s not entirely fulfilling. I don’t derive much joy from it. The truth is, nothing makes me happier than writing.
And sure, from an outside perspective this sounds trivial. You want to write novels instead of practicing the Law? I imagine some people thinking. And yes, I do. Because it’s the only activity that manages to inspire me as I continually work at it, instead of draining me. It’s the best of myself that I can offer to the world.
But I cannot write full-time at this moment in my life, I can’t afford it. I must dedicate some of my time in the day towards practicing law, although if I’m truthful, nowadays I do much more administrative work within my firm than actual practice, because it’s what’s required of me.
But writing full-time is and forever will be my dream job. You know you’re a writer when you keep coming back to it, over and over again, despite the circumstances in your life. If you’re a writer, you will write. And the periods of my day when I write, whether it’s working on my novel or even only blogging about books, are the highlights of my day.
It’s something I feel that will never be erased. Like a burning unquenchable fire at the core of my being. This is how I feel towards it, and I know that I will keep at it even though my destination is still unclear. Because even if it is unclear, this is not enough to demotivate me. The truth is, writing–for a writer–is in and of itself itself pure joy. And this is enough.